hammeroftruth

WHY!!!!??? WHY!!!!???? WHY???!!!!

WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN TO ME!!!!!????? c fccvcczxczxxzkv,x,

(sorry about that last part, I just started pounding my keyboard.  I decided to keep it in just so you get an idea of what is happening here)

Okay, so you are probably wondering what is going on.  Well, as I said yesterday, I found out I had a son.  He contacted me last night.  That is why I am so upset.  I met my son.  My son named River ! Moonflower.  Yes, that is his legal name.  I think you may start to see why I am disappointed.  I was so excited when I heard the news, but as soon as he introduced himself to me online, I was crushed.  I didn’t talk to him for too long.  I couldn’t take it.  But here are some things I learned about him.

So naturally I was quite put off by his name, but we talked a little about his mother and his childhood.  After I left, she moved to California (shudder) and raised little River, who I will now call Jack, there.  Jack said that he had a pretty normal childhood.  But who knows what normal is for him, because he did not turn out right.  Jack told me that at the age of 18, he left California to travel Europe, where he has been ever since, living as some Eurotrash in a hostel.  At that point, I stopped the conversation.  I just couldn’t take it anymore.  So here is what probably happened in his life:

Jack smoked a lot of pot in high school, and decided that he was going to start playing crappy light acoustic folk rock.

Okay, so right now I am finding it really hard to type, I can’t contain my excitement.  I have a son!!!  Yes, that’s right, a son!

So before I have to explain, I have to tell you a little bit more about my past.  I know I gave you the rough outline of my life here in my blog, but there was some stuff I left out.  Such as the portion of my life after dropping out of school for the first time, and before my arrest.  I was quite something back then.  Anyways, in the summer of 1983, I took an excursion to Las Vegas, much of which I barely remember to be honest, which is really why I don’t talk about it.  Up until my arrest everything was a blur really.  During that trip, apperently one night I got married.  I won’t reveal the woman’s name here for privacy reasons of course, but she contacted me three days ago through e-mail.  Naturally, I was skeptical.  I had no idea who this woman was.  But last night, she produced a number of photographs, some very interesting photographs I might add, showing the two of us.  Anyways, she went on to say that she had been searching for me for a long time, and she had some big news.  Turns out, I have a son!  She wouldn’t say anything more, she said that my son will be contacting me very soon online, so he will tell me everything himself!  I can’t wait!!

We have so much to talk about!  We can talk about football, baseball, hunting, growing beards, hot women, and all the other things fathers and sons get to talk about!  And of course maybe throw in a little politics here and there, it is kind of my thing after all!  Well guys, I can’t wait!  I’ll get back to you as soon as he contacts me!!!

Hey so guys, you know I’m not one to write poetry.  But I wrote one today.  I was thinking about love, so I wrote one about the woman I love.  I know, I know, very sensitive of me.  But don’t worry, I’m not going soft.  I’m not talking about my non-existent wife, or any other woman.  You know if I had one, I would show my love by allowing her to make sandwiches and knit blankets, and other activities women enjoy (Man, aren’t they just the strangest things?  What kind of people enjoy things like that?).  I’m writing about a different woman.  That woman is America.  Here it is:

To my dearest America, I must confess to you

That I am in love, that much is true

And I know those feelings are requited

You love me too, you cannot fight it

When I am with you, I want to get on my knees

And work and work, till I please

Then I will be showered with hot love

All over my face, a shot from above

You are not always easy, you can be very hard

And your land is so big, I have to be on guard

But I take you all inside of me, the rewards are far too great

With you I bathe in golden showers; America you are my soul mate

There it is guys, tell me what you think!

So as was writing that last blog entry, a thought came to my mind.  When the Palin Presidency happens, what will it look like?  Who will fill all the major roles?  Well, I’ve thought about who those people will be.  Now it is a little brief, but here is what I think:

President:  Of course, this one is obvious.  Governor Sarah Palin!  Of course we already know how successful this will be for the country.  One area that I would like to also point out would receive a boost would be the film industry.  How can Disney resist a movie about the hockey mom who became the most successful President in the United States?  I know I wouldn’t be able to.  Although I don’t approve of this, I hear the adult film industry is going to get a boost as well.  Apparently they are looking for look-alikes right now.  So guys, if you think you look like Sarah Palin at all, and would be interested in pornography, you can send me your pictures and I will send them on to the studios.  Anyways, moving on.

Vice President:  Okay, there is going to be a lot of debate over who should be the Vice President, and there are a lot of candidates.  Now I know there are a lot of people with excellent qualifications out there, but we need a fresh political face.  Bill O’Reilly!  We need this administration to be hard hitting and independent, who better than Bill O’Reilly?  Some one who is not afraid to ask the tough questions, but also who is not tainted by any political ties.

Secretary of State:  So by 2012, I figure we have taken care of the Middle East.  So that’s done.  Whew!  Now that we have gotten rid of all Islamic terrorism, I believe we need to focus on South America.  We need someone who has experience dealing with South America, especially your every day, common man in South America.  We need to get inside their minds.  What we need, is me.  Now I know this is a long shot, but hey, a man can dream right?  Hear me out, I have the foreign policy experience I need.  I spent a good amount of time in El Salvador, studying the local people there.  With that amount of time through the process of diffusion, and the osmotic nature of knowledge, I was able to gain valuable secrets about Hugo Chavez and other dangerous South American leaders.  So while it is a long shot, I know I would be perfect for such a role.

Secretary of Defense:  Here we need someone who is not afraid to use our vast military arsenal.  I suggest Representative Tom Tancredo of Colorado.  I know he tried to run for President this past year and did not succeed, however I think he would make a great Secretary of Defense.  I saw him in some of his primary debates, and I really liked his military strategy.  We need someone who is not afraid to bomb Muslim holy sites.  We need to have deterrents like that used in the global war on terror.  Of course, we don’t actually have any more Islamic terrorists by this time, but I am certain that he will be able to be creative against the fight against South America.

Secretary of Education/Religion:  The Palin Presidency will change this role to include religious education.  Our country is in desperate need of a spiritual leader who can guide the nation through any tough times.  I suggest none other than Dr. Dino, aka Kent Hovind.  Now, he may be in prison right now for tax evasion, but honestly, he didn’t really do anything wrong.  Let Kent go!  We need a man who can speak the truth, and educate our kids right.  And if you guys are unfamiliar with Kent, please look him up.  He is a dear friend of mine and a very intelligent man.  I assume that he will be pardoned by 2012, so it should be all good.

Secretary of the Treasury:  I noticed that we have no black or Hispanic people on the cabinet, so I just looked up “Possible Republican Vice Presidential Candidates” and I the first black guy was Michael Steele, former Lieutenant Governor of Maryland apparently.  Well, I’m sure he’ll be great as Secretary of the Treasury.

Alright, there you have it.  A solid core of people for the new Palin administration!

President: Sarah Palin

Vice President: Bill O’Reilly

Secretary of State: Me!

Ha, no picture guys, sorry!

Secretary of Defense: Tom Tancredo

Secretary of Education/Religion: Kent Hovind

Secretary of the Treasury: Michael Steele

Readers, what I am about to say will probably come as a shock to you.  You know I’m not one to beat around the bush with things.  I’m just a straight shooter.  I tell it how it is.  Hard hitting, independent journalism that’s not afraid to criticize anyone.  I have no party affiliations.  I just say the truth.  So I don’t want to draw this out any longer.  Here it is:

I might vote for Barrack Obama.

(I’ll give you a little time to read that over.  Yes, Barrack Obama)

Okay, now that you’ve had some time, let me just clarify this.  I do not like Barrack Obama.  (Not because he’s black of course though, if that’s what you are wondering.  I know a black guy and a Samoan guy, which is almost black, so it’s cool.)  His ideas are terrible.  All of them.  I don’t want to go into too much detail on it, I’ll save that for future conversation.  I’ll address the main big idea here: change.  Why fix what’s not broken Barrack?  That’s what I want to know.  So some people are getting kicked out of their homes?  The solution is simple guys, GET JOBS!!  Stop being lazy!  It ain’t that hard folks.  Healthcare?  John McCain has the more sensible solution.  5000 free dollars, that’s what you are getting, and that’s all you need.  If anything that’s being too generous.  And also, it’s at no cost to the government!  Okay, now that sounds too good to be true, I know.  Where does 5000 dollars magically appear from?  Simple, just cut out some crap that no one cares about like art, or math, from schools.  You got your five grand right there.  Now I could go on and on about why I dislike Barrack, but I won’t waste your time with that (at least not today).  Here is why I may vote for Barrack.

Barrack Obama is a terrorist.  Okay, okay, calm down.  I have a reason for my thinking.  But before that, let’s examine why Barrack is a terrorist.  I think it’s pretty obvious to everyone that he is a communist, but a terrorist too?  To anyone who really examines it, it is obvious.  Barrack Hussein Obama?  Are you kidding me?  Look up the FBI’s list of most wanted terrorists.  (You can find a list here if you are curious: http://www.fbi.gov/wanted/terrorists/fugitives.htm)  Here are just some of the names:

Usama Bin Laden

Abdullah Ahmed Abdullah

Hasan Izz-Al-Din

Yusuf Islam (Okay, so that last one wasn’t on the FBI list, but he sure as hell is on my list.  Peace train my ass)

The list goes on and on.  Notice anything?  The names all sound the same!  His middle name is Hussein for God’s sake!  Now if that isn’t a major clue right there, I don’t know what is.  Finally we are talking about this again.  We didn’t really have the proof before, but now we do.  And it is none other than the new maverick Sarah Palin who is bringing it up.  Thank God for the Governor!  Concrete proof that Barrack was, and probably still is, prancing about with terrorists.

Now here is why that is a good thing.  First of all, it will ensure that Sarah Palin will be President by 2012 at the latest.  We will be going through some tough years with a terrorist/communist in charge of our country, no doubt about that, but after it is over, everyone will have realized that they made a huge mistake in 2008.  People will look back and see that the McCain/Palin ticket was the obvious choice.  So in 2012, when McCain and Palin run again, they cannot lose.  And there is a good chance of McCain passing away by then, so it would probably be Palin leading the charge this time.  But you may wonder why I am not in favor of doing that now instead of in four years.  I mean, the Obama Presidency will damage the country.  However, it will not be irreparable in 2012.  The Palin Presidency will fix the damage done.  Of course it would be great if we could elect McCain right now, but I am a realist.  The chances of that happening would be far better in four years.  Right now it is too close, you have to think of the possibility of an Obama Presidency.  But there is another more important reason for this delay in the McCain or Palin administration.  The dissolution of the Democratic Party.  After the disaster that will be Obama, how can the Democrats recover?  It will spell the end of the party once and for all.  Now I don’t really like either party, I am an independent of course.  However, the Republican Party is definitely the lesser of two evils.  It isn’t even close.  So there, friends and readers.  That is why I may just vote for Barrack Obama in November.  I encourage you to consider that option as well.

Maybe this won’t be as bad as you think…

(Dr. Balzania, taken from the NY Times (sorry guys for the poor quality, it was all I had), circa 1989)

I recently sat down with Dr. Harrison Balzania, of the Bratislava School of Law.  For those of you who don’t know where that is, it is in Slovakia.  (Look it up guys, the Hammer is going international here!)  Dr. Balzania was actually my old roommate from my freshman semester at the University of Phoenix.  Of course as you more regular readers know, I dropped out by the spring semester and went through a whole set of tough experiences that have led me here today.  However, I was able to keep up some level of correspondence with Harry, who now teaches in his native town of Bratislava, at the fairly new school of law there.  Only a week ago I heard that Harry was coming to town, so I knew that this would be the perfect opportunity to catch up with an old friend and talk some politics.  I contacted him and asked if we could do a little interview for my blog, and he agreed.  I am writing this interview exactly as it happened, just to show you how horribly wrong he was.  I did not realize how ignorant he had become since I had last seen him.  I was hoping for something intelligent.  I apologize to my readers in advance.

Hammer:  Harry!  How have you been?  Its been a long time.

Dr. Balzania:  Yes, too long.  I’ve been excellent.  The school could not be going better.  Slovakia’s education system has come a long way.  What about you?  I’ve heard rumors of what happened after you dropped out.  I’ve heard you went to Colombia?

H:  No, no, it was El Salvador.

B:  What were you doing in El Salvador?  I’ve heard some things…

H:  Umm, I think that’s enough about me, let’s talk politics.  The readers don’t want to hear about me.

B:  But what happened in El…?

H:  No, no, the readers don’t want it.  I’ll tell you some other time perhaps.  So the debate, did you watch?

B:  Fine then, we’ll move on.  Yes, I thought that it was a strong showing for Senator Biden.  Governor Palin was not quite the disaster that many predicted, but Senator Biden was the clear winner.

H:  You and I must not have watched the same debate!  Governor Palin dominated the debate.  Did you see her jokes?   You must not have seen her jokes.  They were very funny, all Biden could do was smile.  He knew he lost, I knew he lost, the people knew he lost.  Why do you disagree with all of those people?

B:  I guess we didn’t watch the same debate.  I guess you were too busy watching Governor Palin’s “jokes” that you missed out on the fact that she dodged numerous questions.  Of course, you expect that from politicians to some degree, but not like that.  Really you could say that Senator Biden won by default for just answering the questions.

H:  No, no, you are forgetting that she is the new maverick.

B:  What?

H:  She is a maverick.  She doesn’t need to answer questions.

B:  Well I don’t care if she is the maverick.  If she is going to have the second most powerful position in the United States government, and very possibly the most powerful, I want to hear her positions on issues.  I don’t want to hear that she and John McCain are mavericks.  I want some concrete proof.  Clearly, they have not done that.  And she said that the office of the Vice President should definitely be considered a part of both the legislative and executive branch.  From the sounds of it, we’ve got another Dick Cheney on our hands, but not nearly as deceptive, or as smart.  And maybe that’s worse.

H:  Once again, maverick.

B:  But what about…

H:  Maverick

B:  You have to cons…

H:  Maverick!

B:  This is goi…

H:  M-A-V-E-R-I-C-K

(At this point in the interview, Dr. Balzania got up and left the room.  There was a little more banter after that, but clearly you can see that it was not a very productive interview towards the end.  But I guess you can’t do anything about someone who doesn’t understand the concept of mavericks.  Too bad for that law school.  Once again, another victory for the Hammer!)

Now I know Sarah Palin has received a lot of flak from the left, and even from some conservatives on the right, lately about her perceived lack of qualifications.  Let’s take a look at the hard facts now.  Now I am not going to talk about the issues we all heard about in the Vice Presidential debate last night, those are going to be talked about to death over the next few days.  You don’t need me for that.  I am going to talk about something that is on the minds of Americans that wasn’t mentioned in the debate.  Immigration.  Now I know what you are all thinking.  Mexico.  Its been talked about to death.  You don’t want to hear it, and I don’t want to hear it.  I am talking about a different kind of immigration.  Immigration from our northern borders.  I am talking about Canada of course.

Now you may be asking, “But Hammer, Canadians are white, why should I worry?”  But I’m talking about a different kind of immigrant.  Animal immigrants.  That is why we need Sarah Palin to be our President.  (Of course, she is going to be the Vice President, but with a 1 in 3 chance of President McCain passing away in office, we have a very good chance of Palin becoming our next President.)  Not many people are talking about the animals coming from the north.  However, there are a small, growing number of people who are as worried as me.  Professor Michael J. Hunt, of Stanford University’s ecology department, has noted an alarming trend in Canadian animals, specifically wolves.  “Recent studies have revealed new findings about Canis lupis, better known as the grey wolf, specifically those from southern Canada.  Since 1997, the incidence of homosexuality among juvenile male grey wolves has increased by almost 400%.  Research has shown that this increase, which had been limited to southern Canada, is spreading south into the United States by means of the migratory patterns of these animals.”  Now if that did not scare you, I don’t know what will.  These animals are clearly spreading their choice of homosexuality to our good American animals, who are obviously being pressured into something that they don’t want to be a part of.  And don’t think it is just limited to wolves.  Moose, deer, elk, geese, etc.  This increase in homosexuality is reducing the number of offspring these animals are having.  If we let this trend continue, soon our American animals will be gone.  And who knows how far this thing could spread?  Soon our dogs could be making these choices, followed by our very own children.  Do we really want that for America?  I sure as hell don’t.

This is why we need a leader like Sarah Palin.  Can Barrack Obama shoot a wolf from a helicopter?  Can Barrack Obama take down a full grown moose using only AA batteries and a pocket knife?  I don’t think so.  That is why we need Sarah Palin.  We need to stop this treat to our wildlife from the north.  There is only one leader I trust with that task, and that person is Sarah Palin.

Just had to illustrate this important point.

Sarah Palin.  It was clear as day.  Anyone with half a brain could have seen this.  Now off course, the liberal elite will disagree.  I recently sat down and talked with one of these elite.  He informed me Biden “answered the questions, corrected her when she was wrong. He was respectful etc.”  Sorry Mr. Elite, but you are dead wrong.  First of all, what was there to correct?  Where were the flaws?  Answer me that Mr. Elite.  Please.  I want to know.

I have heard many criticisms about Governor Palin already.  She doesn’t have experience, she doesn’t answer questions, she doesn’t know where Bosnia is, etc.  Once again, those liberal elites are so off base that they forget to realize the importance of such matters.  Sarah Palin is the maverick for the next generation.  Mavericks care not for trivial matters like “experience” and “answers” and “people”.  Do you think asking a maverick like Palin about these things amuses her?  Well it doesn’t, so don’t do it again.  Honestly, why would a maverick need to know anything about some country in Africa?  Stop wasting our time.  And to Senator Biden, don’t question the maverick team.  Clearly it is a matter of jealousy, as you lack the discipline to be a maverick.  And besides, since when do people care about trivial matters like issues?  I certainly don’t.  I don’t need to read about issues because I know they don’t matter to the real people of America.  All I know about is who looks better in a bathing suit, and that definitely ain’t Joe Biden.